i'm not yet to the Point of Know Return*

Well here I am again.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I hope you all are more fond of me now.





I've figured out that I am now quite capable of maintaining weight.  I could stay at this weight for months or years.  This is something I didn't know how to do 4 years ago, or I wouldn't be writing this blog today!  Maintaining weight means to not gain or lose more than 5 pounds.  Staying put.






That said, I would like to think that at some point, maybe 6 months from now, maybe sooner or later, I will arrive at the Point of Know Return.  This would be when I'm DONE losing weight, and am MAINTAINING weight instead.  I know that I wouldn't ever let myself gain over 50 pounds again or even 10.  I want to get to that point.  Where I don't let it happen again.  Where I keep control.








Right now, I still feel like I could just give up and it doesn't matter because even if I lost 20 pounds, I'd still be physically obese and nobody would notice.  I guess I just have to lose 20 pounds several times.  It seems like too much though.








One.  Step.  At.  A.  Time.









It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Maybe that's karma coming back around for me deserting my blog and you, my readers.  But then again, I don't actually believe in karma so scratch that.






Saturday morning I went to House of Fitness and did a bit of working out with Mark, who is a personal trainer.  It was good, and I was glad to get back to exercising.  But today, I'm paying the price and can hardly walk.  SO sore.  He told me though, that if my body gets used to the training, the soreness will go down.  Of course, it's Monday morning, and I'm still barely walking.  This really sucks.







The work-out party was a great success last Tuesday.  To those of you who flaked out- you missed out and I will see you next time!  We had a really great time.  I want to have another one and SOON!  I served fresh apple slices, grape tomatoes, celery, and grapes.  This Tuesday night is a HUGE possibility.







I'm looking forward to being able to purchase a dress size for my senior recital that doesn't embarrass me.  I'd be ecstatic to squeeze into a 12.  Did you know that the average size of a woman in the United States is a 12-14?  Not that I should strive for that.  I need to be smaller.  But if I was AT LEAST a 12, I'd be in good company instead of out in Fat Women's Land, where life is miserable and the food is delicious.






On the ever-popular subject of dresses, Quail Springs mall has NO floor-length gown with a full skirt.  NOTHING!  All of the high schoolers wear short dresses now.  I'm so upset.  My dresses for the recital NEED to be grandiose.  Rhapsody in Blue DESERVES more than a cocktail smock.  It calls for much more.  I will have to go look at Penn Square, as they tend to have better selection on the floor in their department stores.





Hopefully I can fit into either one of my bridesmaids' dresses or my Junior Recital dress for Cocoa & Carols.  I better get on it...













I'm going to set a specific goal now (SCARY).  I think this will be helpful to me though.  I will be down to 215 pounds by Saturday.  I know that I can do this.  SEND ME ENCOURAGEMENT!








Lately I've been thinking about the OVERWHELMING and SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE goals: a) the 100+ pages of music I have to learn and record for my grad school auditions before December (on top of my sr. recital stuff), b) losing 60+ pounds, c) writing my research paper, d) actually graduating from OC.








All of that combined with just day-to-day stress of being alive is too much for one person.  But, I have God on my side, and He may not be able to do my homework (though I believe He could if He really wanted to), but he can bring me peace, self-control, wisdom, and patience if I ask for those things.  And those are what I need to accomplish what needs to be done.  EVERYONE has stress, but we have to choose to rise above and it's really hard to do that alone.







Crashing and burning has felt so comfortable and almost imminent to me these last couple of weeks, but I must say, having James around really makes me work and keep on truckin'.  I haven't fallen into depression since we've been married, which is a miracle.  James is so special and I wish someone just like him, for every one of you readers.







James is the boat.  I'm the captain under the influence.  I make a lot of bad choices, but ultimately, he keeps me afloat.









* No, this isn't spelled wrong- it's a reference to a Kansas song.