Wednesday, November 11, 2009

i am Working for 215 for the Weekend

This blog title was really a stretch.  I'm running low on creativity tonight.

I just got done working out at House of Fitness and I feel great!  I did about half an hour of resistance training (I think that's what it's called), which is lifting weights and stuff like that.  Then I went 3/4 a mile on the treadmill.

Also, James and I just walked to the library because I need to work on my French (which has to be done on the library computer), but ALAS!  The library is closed for church on Wednesdays.  Of course.  How could I forget?  Silly me.  Anyways, the point of that story is that walking over here really tired me.

I'm down 2 pounds since Monday and that was after I ate tonight and before I worked out.  So hopefully more by tomorrow morning!

I had 6 cheese cubes, 10 whole-grain wheat thins (delicious) and 7 baby carrots today at 11:00am.  Then, I had baked chicken tenderloins at 5:00.  Now, I'm trying to curb the cravings with a Diet Dr. Pepper.  Hopefully it will last me the night, and I'll have made it a whole day without cheating!!!

I feel much better today than I have in a while.  Hopefully, I'm not too sore in the morning.

Last night was another very successful work out party.  I had a blast with my girls Cayla G., Niki S., Kim S., Katie VS., Bailey T., and Talia M.!!!  We did Sweatin' to the Oldies which is as you all know, one of my very favorites.  I served baby carrots, celery sticks, grapes and cheese cubes- all of which were gobbled down!

We watched the last half of NBC's The Biggest Loser and it was pretty great.  Talk about motivation!  3 of the contestants had lost 100 pounds as of last night- amazing.  I would love to be able to drop everything else (school, practice, etc...) and just work out for weeks!  That would be amazing.

If everyone feels like it, I may just make this Tuesday night thing quasi-permanent!  All of you (my readers) are welcome to come to work out parties by the way.  Let me know if any of you can come Tuesday the 17th at 8!

I'm losing weight right now but may not be to 215 by Saturday as I'm only at 219 right now.  Unless I pull some crazy-sick working out on Friday night.  I might be able to pull that off.  It would be very difficult.  But if Dr. Jones can ride his bike for 30 miles, I can certainly do something comparable.  A crazy work out session might just be the ticket.

I hope this finds all of you motivated and in good spirits, and if it doesn't, please know you aren't alone.  

Do the right thing today.  Stay away from bad foods.  DON'T.  STOP.  EXERCISING.  See the big picture.  Being healthy is better than ANY FOOD!

Monday, November 9, 2009

i'm not yet to the Point of Know Return*

Well here I am again.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I hope you all are more fond of me now.

I've figured out that I am now quite capable of maintaining weight.  I could stay at this weight for months or years.  This is something I didn't know how to do 4 years ago, or I wouldn't be writing this blog today!  Maintaining weight means to not gain or lose more than 5 pounds.  Staying put.

That said, I would like to think that at some point, maybe 6 months from now, maybe sooner or later, I will arrive at the Point of Know Return.  This would be when I'm DONE losing weight, and am MAINTAINING weight instead.  I know that I wouldn't ever let myself gain over 50 pounds again or even 10.  I want to get to that point.  Where I don't let it happen again.  Where I keep control.

Right now, I still feel like I could just give up and it doesn't matter because even if I lost 20 pounds, I'd still be physically obese and nobody would notice.  I guess I just have to lose 20 pounds several times.  It seems like too much though.

One.  Step.  At.  A.  Time.

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Maybe that's karma coming back around for me deserting my blog and you, my readers.  But then again, I don't actually believe in karma so scratch that.

Saturday morning I went to House of Fitness and did a bit of working out with Mark, who is a personal trainer.  It was good, and I was glad to get back to exercising.  But today, I'm paying the price and can hardly walk.  SO sore.  He told me though, that if my body gets used to the training, the soreness will go down.  Of course, it's Monday morning, and I'm still barely walking.  This really sucks.

The work-out party was a great success last Tuesday.  To those of you who flaked out- you missed out and I will see you next time!  We had a really great time.  I want to have another one and SOON!  I served fresh apple slices, grape tomatoes, celery, and grapes.  This Tuesday night is a HUGE possibility.

I'm looking forward to being able to purchase a dress size for my senior recital that doesn't embarrass me.  I'd be ecstatic to squeeze into a 12.  Did you know that the average size of a woman in the United States is a 12-14?  Not that I should strive for that.  I need to be smaller.  But if I was AT LEAST a 12, I'd be in good company instead of out in Fat Women's Land, where life is miserable and the food is delicious.

On the ever-popular subject of dresses, Quail Springs mall has NO floor-length gown with a full skirt.  NOTHING!  All of the high schoolers wear short dresses now.  I'm so upset.  My dresses for the recital NEED to be grandiose.  Rhapsody in Blue DESERVES more than a cocktail smock.  It calls for much more.  I will have to go look at Penn Square, as they tend to have better selection on the floor in their department stores.

Hopefully I can fit into either one of my bridesmaids' dresses or my Junior Recital dress for Cocoa & Carols.  I better get on it...

I'm going to set a specific goal now (SCARY).  I think this will be helpful to me though.  I will be down to 215 pounds by Saturday.  I know that I can do this.  SEND ME ENCOURAGEMENT!

Lately I've been thinking about the OVERWHELMING and SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE goals: a) the 100+ pages of music I have to learn and record for my grad school auditions before December (on top of my sr. recital stuff), b) losing 60+ pounds, c) writing my research paper, d) actually graduating from OC.

All of that combined with just day-to-day stress of being alive is too much for one person.  But, I have God on my side, and He may not be able to do my homework (though I believe He could if He really wanted to), but he can bring me peace, self-control, wisdom, and patience if I ask for those things.  And those are what I need to accomplish what needs to be done.  EVERYONE has stress, but we have to choose to rise above and it's really hard to do that alone.

Crashing and burning has felt so comfortable and almost imminent to me these last couple of weeks, but I must say, having James around really makes me work and keep on truckin'.  I haven't fallen into depression since we've been married, which is a miracle.  James is so special and I wish someone just like him, for every one of you readers.

James is the boat.  I'm the captain under the influence.  I make a lot of bad choices, but ultimately, he keeps me afloat.

* No, this isn't spelled wrong- it's a reference to a Kansas song.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Blig Bog

I found a new recipe I like on the show Diet Tribe (Lifetime).  It's basically Fried Chicken, but healthier.  Use Chicken Breast Tenderloins, dip them in milk and season them (pepper, salt, or seasoning salt) and then cover in crushed up Corn Flakes.  Put them in the oven at 400 degrees for 45 minutes.  Even James liked them!  It's crispy and crunchy, as if you're eating the most delicious, unhealthy KFC.

James and I just got back from Texas, visiting grad schools.  I had steak last night at Black Eyed Pea.  Black Eyed Pea used to be where P.F. Changs is now.  It was delicious.  I had a salad for lunch.  It was...a salad.

I think I over exerted my body Saturday morning.  I did Jillian Michaels Friday night AND Saturday morning and couldn't walk late Saturday night or Sunday.  My legs are feeling better today but I think I need to go further in between workouts.

I'm having a workout party tomorrow night, which I'm really excited about.  I should be good to go by then for working out again.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Helplessly Hoping for a Change

*This isn't encouraging- I'm sorry in advance.  I'm just trying to be honest.  These are my thoughts.  Here we go.  This was written with tears.*

I can't get my life together.

I feel like I can't control this.

I'm not who God wants me to be.
I'm not who my husband needs me to be.
I'm not who I need to be for my friends and family.

And it's my fault.  It's my body.  I have the power to change it.  And I don't.  It's the root of all of my problems.  I know exactly how to fix this, and yet, I don't.

Somewhere along the way, something happened.  But I don't care.  I got to college, I stopped caring, and therefore I destroyed my body in the process.  I was burned enough that I didn't have the decency or self-respect to do what I need to do to be the best version of myself.

I'm mediocre.  I don't perform to the best of my ability.  Have I hit my peak?

I've let deceit take over my weight loss and I've cheated myself.  I've cheated everyone around me who have done nothing but support me.

I'm a failure at doing the right thing and losing weight like I know I can.  I've lost weight before.  What's wrong with me now?

I don't deserve the more-than-daily encouragement and accountability I've been receiving for free, because I just ignore it.  I take it for granted.  I've taken all of you for granted, and I'm sorry.  I'm very sorry.

I feel like my weight problems are linked to my psyche.  It's like, no matter what I do, no matter how many people I hurt, I still make bad decisions.  Who DOES that?

I don't know where to go from here.

I'm wasting my wonderful life away because I can't be honest with myself, work hard, and commit to something.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Do Not Walk This Way for You Will Surely Be Subject to Peer Pressure by a Bag of M&Ms

Today I walked away from a free, delicious bag of M&Ms.  

A very persuasive bag of M&Ms.

Just say no to obesity, children.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Just Write Down Johnny Applehead and Be Done With It!

Today at Steelman, I was down 4 pounds from Friday!  This counts me down 9 pounds from the starting weight.  I'm going to do much better this week too.  I (once again) am stepping up my exercise.  I did 30 minutes on the stationary bike yesterday while watching The Godfather, and I did about 45 minutes of exercise today- a combination of walking and WiiFitting.

In other news, my wedding photographer has finally (just about) finished with pictures!!!!!  There's a sneak peek on her website: Sneak Peek!  The cds will come in tomorrow (hopefully) with over 650 pictures to look at.  I'm very excited.  We'll have a picture-viewing extravaganza at my parents' house probably tomorrow evening.  Everyone is invited!  

Of course, you all may not care about this kind of thing.  I'm psyched!

James and I walked at Lake Hefner today.  I STILL wish I had a bike, as I've been asking for one for Christmas and birthdays since college started.  I really want to be riding a bicycle around.  Sigh.

I'm really hoping my senior recital can be in February.  IF I can get it done that early, then I can do the opera (in Dr. Adams' dreams...)  But seriously, I'd like to be in the cast this year if I can finish my recital up.  Here's what the repertoire is looking like so far:

Sonata in A Flat Major K. 127 L. 186- Scarlatti

Sonata in F Major K. 332- Mozart (all 3 movements)

Nocturne in F Minor Op. 55 No. 1- Chopin

Mazurka ______-Chopin (I can't think of the opus# off the top of my head)

√Čtude Op. 10, No. 12  (Revolutionary)- Chopin

Rhapsody in Blue- Gershwin

Vocal Jazz- TBA

Grad-school is stressing me out.  If anyone has any advice, PLEASE send it my way.  I'm new at this!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Fhatsody in Blue

I used one of James's titles for today's blog.

As usual, I'm exhausted.

I just got through playing the Spooktacular concert with the Oklahoma Community Orchestra.  I played organ and piano on the Phantom of the Opera medley.  It was an excellent concert and I loved all of the music!  Judd Theater was PACKED with people standing on both sides!  I love when lots of people come to hear classical music.  It calms my soul to know that the arts is somewhat thriving where I live!

I cheated a couple of times on my diet this weekend but I'm back on track.  AGAIN, I'm going to re-commit to my working-out (and my diet for that matter), as I feel it helps me a lot.

I suppose commitment has to be about every individual day.  A DAILY commitment to do my best.  That's important in weight loss.  One.   Day.   At.   A.   Time.

That said, tomorrow is going to be GREAT!  Thank you GOD for tomorrows!

I felt fat today.  In this blue shirt.  I'm tired of feeling fat.  I feel like I want to hide on days like that.  When I feel fat, I don't want anyone to see me or talk to me- even my close friends or family.  It makes life difficult.  Somedays, it's just hard to put on the confidence and know that I have a BRILLIANT personality and lots of friends.  I just feel.  Fat.  Put a brown bag over my head, someone, please.

In other news, as James and I were driving to the library this afternoon, a bee entered the car.

I was driving.

You can imagine, I'm sure, the chaos that ensued.  I stayed relatively calm until Bee-lezebub flew up front and LANDED ON MY HAND!

My sub-conscious instantly reacted with flailing and screaming, I slammed on the brakes (unknowingly),  and my car went screeching past the pond, towards the bible building.  I'm so glad I didn't hit a pedestrian.  I'm also glad the bee didn't sting me.

Bee jerk.

Beef jerky.


food.  delicious.  savory.  unhealthy food.


I better go and distract myself from food.  I'm going to work out again before I crash.  I did 30 minutes of Free Step on the Wii (2,988 steps!!!) while I talked to James about Grad School Visiting plans!  More on that later.

Love to you all for reading my blog!

P.S.- I'm going to try and have my Senior Recital towards the end of February!  I'll keep you all posted.  It's sure to be the big failure event of 2010!!!