I can't get my life together.
I feel like I can't control this.
I'm not who God wants me to be.
I'm not who my husband needs me to be.
I'm not who I need to be for my friends and family.
And it's my fault. It's my body. I have the power to change it. And I don't. It's the root of all of my problems. I know exactly how to fix this, and yet, I don't.
Somewhere along the way, something happened. But I don't care. I got to college, I stopped caring, and therefore I destroyed my body in the process. I was burned enough that I didn't have the decency or self-respect to do what I need to do to be the best version of myself.
I'm mediocre. I don't perform to the best of my ability. Have I hit my peak?
I've let deceit take over my weight loss and I've cheated myself. I've cheated everyone around me who have done nothing but support me.
I'm a failure at doing the right thing and losing weight like I know I can. I've lost weight before. What's wrong with me now?
I don't deserve the more-than-daily encouragement and accountability I've been receiving for free, because I just ignore it. I take it for granted. I've taken all of you for granted, and I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
I feel like my weight problems are linked to my psyche. It's like, no matter what I do, no matter how many people I hurt, I still make bad decisions. Who DOES that?
I don't know where to go from here.
I'm wasting my wonderful life away because I can't be honest with myself, work hard, and commit to something.
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ReplyDeleteThat was one of the most honest things I've ever heard. Do you know how rare it is for people to really open up and express their fears? Very. Rare.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, Rebekah. You can and will overcome this.
Thank you for your honesty! Confession opens many doors, and I know it will for you now. I believe in you- because you can be honest with yourself and others.
ReplyDeleteI still think you're doing a good job. Just keep trying harder.
ReplyDeleteI love you!
Rebekah, we definitely have one thing in common - we're too hard on ourselves. Think about all the people you know. Are you a worse person than they are? NOT. You know all their faults. Faults are the human condition. But, easy to say - harder to internalize. Actually, I just told Ken today how much I like you and admire you. You'll certainly feel better about yourself if you can lose weight, and I will, too. But, that doesn't define us. Well, enough of all that. Love you! Lindy
ReplyDeleteOften I have wondered how Job kept on keeping on. It's almost a cliche how we say that about him. It IS hard to get our lives together when one part of it is especially out of whack. I seriously doubt you have reached your peak musically. You MUST read the book "The ARt of Practicing" by Madeline Bruser.
ReplyDeleteIn response to "who does that" The answer is everyone. As Lindy said, it is the human condition. The accountability is painful for you but that is why you put it in place. Let it do it's job. We won't give up on you. Any stray person could give up on you but WE love you and are cheering you -- even when you fail. Thanks for the honesty. xox
You're in good company, Bek. Besides all of us who try and fail and try and fail at so many things, Paul said, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
ReplyDeleteSo I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
You are loved. Period.
You may have written this with tears, but I'm reading it with tears. Thank you so much for being so real. If you only knew the depths of failure I've reached. This past weekend I read in my latest self-help book that the feeling of failure is a good thing. It shows you have higher standards for yourself--that you haven't given up. I 2nd the "you are loved" comment!
ReplyDeleteAnd btw, you deserve UNCONDITIONAL love and support!
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