I Would Like to be a Tiny Dancer

Good evening friends!




I really love to dance.  I think that if you don't know that about me, then we really probably don't really know each other.  To me, dancing represents freedom.  It's the physical way of expressing or interpreting music.  Plus, I have some pretty dope moves.  Now, don't get me wrong, my brain enjoys analyzing every note and rhythm of every song ever composed, but moving my body to that music is just...well, it's freedom.  It's a different way of enjoying music.




I suppose that not everyone is born with "rhythm".  These people don't usually like to dance or sometimes even don't like music because they can't "feel it".  Some of these people go to our church.  They do not like the Instrumental Service.  I am not one of these people.  I know them, though.  I feel pity for them, because my inner-rhythm is such an immense and vibrant part of my existence.



I have this theory, that people don't like to watch fat people dance.  Unless they're making fun of fat people- which makes sense, I suppose (as harsh as it may sound).  It's just kind of gross, for obvious reasons.  THIS is another excellent reason (among many) for me to continue working my butt off (literally) to lose this weight.  Of course, I had a huge butt when I weighed 80 lbs. less than I do now.  It won't go away.  It won't be worked off.





*Sigh*






Now, somehow, I have maintained much more confidence (at least, in spurts) than the average obese person typically does after gaining a lot of weight.  I'm a performer, after all, and I'm extremely gifted.  This keeps me feeling like I'm legitimate- like I have a reason to be confident.  Whether or not that's true is a matter of opinion.  Of course, that comes and goes, like it does for most people.  So, I haven't ever stopped dancing even though I became fat at some point.  I just can't help it.





I DO however, have a slight sense of embarrassment or self-consciousness when I break out into dances at various times & places, because of my weight now.  Something I didn't have before.  So the question is, how could anyone TRULY enjoy dancing, if they're overweight?  They can't.  Because it's a little embarrassing.  And if dancing is about freedom, then how could self-consciousness be involved?  The freedom is diminished.  I miss it.




There is a particular video of a Magrill party from high school and I'm dancing and smiling with some people.  I'm not sure who was filming but for some reason the camera is on me for a little too long.  It may be New Year's or Talia's birthday (anyone remember?)  It's the one, where we're dancing where the grand piano is now, and I think I'm wearing a green shirt.  There's music playing.  Possibly, junior year.  And, I remember that night very well- I had no inhibitions or reasons to be embarrassed.  Now, this wasn't the "skinniest" point in my life, but it was app. 70 lbs. down from my current state.  I was very cute, and having so much fun.  I try to look at this as one possible source of inspiration.  I was not concerned with the world around me in that moment.



I was IN it.


Dancing.


For hours.


With total abandon for any bodily limitations.


I didn't have any.







Freedom.











These little things keep me moving toward my goals.  They say to have skinny pictures of yourself to look at every day helps with motivation.  This is true as well.  Remember those size 8 jeans?  I have pictures of myself wearing them.  New Year's Party.  Van Osdol's Release Party.  Quail Talent Show.  There's also ***the golden dress***.  No time to go into detail there, but you all know how much I want to put that dress on again.